So Monday’s post came out a little harsh. I didn’t mean for it to be. Chalk it up to post-adoption depression. Trust me there is such a thing. For a year you ride on these endorphin highs, even the lows are a high. There is always something to look forward to, but mostly your new child. Then BAM! Its here and over in a flash. Just like a tornado, it’s strikes and it’s gone and you are left with a big ‘ole mess to clean up.
Messy isn’t a negative word in this context necessarily. It’s just like any other big change in one’s life. It happened after the birth of my biological children as well. There is change in routines and schedules. I used to thrive on change. I loved changed. Negative or positive...it was a reminder that we are definitely not in control of this crazy ride we call life. This time though it has been hardest for me. Maybe it’s because I am approaching 40 in just a few short weeks. Maybe it’s because Doug will be going on 2 years of unemployment in October. Maybe it’s because my oldest “baby” is leaving us next year for college or maybe it’s just …because.
I find that my biggest goal for the day is to actually make it through the day. Getting up out of bed is a huge chore and I can’t wait to get back into my bed and lay my head on my pillow. I am so tired these days I have even stopped dreaming. When I am at work, I wish I was at home, when I am at home I wish I was out having an adventure. I hate that feeling! I hate wishing my days away. Each day is a gift and I need to remember to treat it that way. Doesn’t matter where I am physically, it matters where I am mentally. So, instead of de-cluttering my house, I am de-cluttering my mind….pushing out everything that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter I am not a super model (although it would make it easier to find clothes), it doesn’t matter I am not a gourmet cook (my kids wouldn’t eat it anyway), it doesn’t matter I am the breadwinner of my family (my girls will have 2 years of daddy time memories), it just doesn’t matter.
Funny how God has a way of taking you to the brink to get his point across. Well really, God gets his point across just fine if we were to be quiet and listen. It’s my fault I am at the breaking point, I forgot what does matter. It reminds me of the line in the movie City Slickers.
Do you know what the secret of life is? One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean (squat).
Messy isn’t a negative word in this context necessarily. It’s just like any other big change in one’s life. It happened after the birth of my biological children as well. There is change in routines and schedules. I used to thrive on change. I loved changed. Negative or positive...it was a reminder that we are definitely not in control of this crazy ride we call life. This time though it has been hardest for me. Maybe it’s because I am approaching 40 in just a few short weeks. Maybe it’s because Doug will be going on 2 years of unemployment in October. Maybe it’s because my oldest “baby” is leaving us next year for college or maybe it’s just …because.
I find that my biggest goal for the day is to actually make it through the day. Getting up out of bed is a huge chore and I can’t wait to get back into my bed and lay my head on my pillow. I am so tired these days I have even stopped dreaming. When I am at work, I wish I was at home, when I am at home I wish I was out having an adventure. I hate that feeling! I hate wishing my days away. Each day is a gift and I need to remember to treat it that way. Doesn’t matter where I am physically, it matters where I am mentally. So, instead of de-cluttering my house, I am de-cluttering my mind….pushing out everything that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter I am not a super model (although it would make it easier to find clothes), it doesn’t matter I am not a gourmet cook (my kids wouldn’t eat it anyway), it doesn’t matter I am the breadwinner of my family (my girls will have 2 years of daddy time memories), it just doesn’t matter.
Funny how God has a way of taking you to the brink to get his point across. Well really, God gets his point across just fine if we were to be quiet and listen. It’s my fault I am at the breaking point, I forgot what does matter. It reminds me of the line in the movie City Slickers.
Do you know what the secret of life is? One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean (squat).
Amen - and your last post wasn't harsh - it's truth. Sometimes the truth is harsh. Constantly educating people is part of our job as adoptive parents, but we don't have to always enjoy it;-P Hang in there!
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